Lean Into It

Lean into it.  That's what they said at the grief group I'm attending.  Lean into your grief.  Feel everything you need to feel. Grief has a mind of it's own. You don't get to choose when you feel sad, or when you cry, or when you get angry.  You just have to take it as it comes.  When you feel good, feel good and enjoy it.  When you feel sad lean into that too.  I have a problem with this concept when the bad feelings come.  I happen to be a master escape artist by nature.  For me to lean into feelings that are extremely painful is nothing short of a miraculous act of God.  It is the last thing on earth I want to do.  It's like seeing a tidal wave coming your way to take you out and you're just supposed to stand there and let it devour you.  Does that sound like something you'd want to do?  Not me, I'm  hauling ass in the opposite direction running for my life.  The weight of sad feelings that come from loss make me feel threatened for my life.  I don't see how I can survive such pain if I just let it wash over me like that. My only hope for survival, in my mind, is to run for the hills.
 It was actually a great week for me emotionally.  I have been on a high for life, in honor of Rachel, that I have not experienced since she died.  I felt hopeful again.  Then yesterday, I called one of her best friends, who happens to be an Artist.  I want a tattoo of Rachels name and I thought it would be meaningful for him to design it.  So I got a hold of him and we had a conversation about it.  After I got off the phone I could feel an anxiety begin to rise in me as the afternoon went on.  I started to feel bad again.   I shouldn't have sounded so happy I thought.  It's only been four and a half months since she passed.  I shouldn't sound so good.  He probably thinks I'm the worst sister ever.  Then I started reeling about getting a tattoo.  Maybe if I get a tattoo I'll go to hell and never see Rachel again. And deeper and deeper I went into that bad neighborhood in my mind. I realized what I was doing and tried to talk myself down.  He isn't judging you Skylar.  You don't have to get the tattoo if you don't want to.  He's just designing it, that's all.   I got through the next 24 hours ok.  Now it's 6pm on Friday night and Ive been curled up in my bed since 330pm and I do not want to get out.  It's so warm and comfy here when I'm sad.  I told my son I would take him rock climbing so I better find the motivation to rise from my self loathing and be of some usefulness to him.  Isolating is always top choice when the bad feelings come.  I still just can't seem to trust people with my feelings, complete vulnerability is usually still terrifying for me.  I'm just sure they'll do it wrong.  It's really for their own good, I justify, that I stay away.  But the more I isolate the longer the bad feelings seem to last.
So I guess the moral of the story is I'm making it.  I have a lot to be grateful for.  My son is amazing and worth showing up for.  My husband is here for me if I lean on him. My God is bigger than my grief and all the feelings it brings. I shall continue to ask Him for help in my "leaning into it" endevours, and remember, if she were here she would choose life! 

Dying to Live

So this is my first blog entry, ever.  I have been putting off starting a blog because it seems intimidating for some reason.  It somehow feels too revealing and vulnerable to just put whatever comes out down and sending it out into cyberspace for anyone to judge.  Seems silly to care now that I'm writing it out. I think it's partially that I'm still quite co-dependent and I wouldn't want to make anyone uncomfortable if I write about them.  And then theres the whole judging my writing thing.  Maybe that's the real truth. Oh well, I'm just gonna go for it.

I start a grief group tonight at a church I've been to a few times that we have loosly claimed our own.  I lost my younger sister, Rachel, to cervical cancer four months ago.  She was 29.  She didn't want to die. Obviously, only those were her words to me just days before she went. She loved God and had total peace about meeting her maker.  However, she was dying to live.  She wanted to do things.  See things.  Experience things.  She wanted to live up until the very end.  And she will live.  Forever.  In a perfect place, doing only the coolest things ever.  In God's perfect Love.  Never to be seperated from it.  Romans 8;38.

I really miss her the most when I want to share something with her and I realize shes not here.  She was my best friend.  She was the first person I would call when I had something cool I did or got and wanted to share it.  She was appreciative of the coolest things in life.  She was sooooo cool.  I have decided I will live the rest of my life in honor of Rachel.  I will be doing only the coolest things, as this is what she would do if she were here.

The first of which I started yesterday.  Skateboarding.  Yes, I'm 35, and I am learning to skate and I am absolutely and completely addicted already.  It's better than any anti-depressant I've ever been on.  My son Isaac and I are learning together.  He's six and tells me I'm too old, but I don't believe him:0