A Whole Lotta Love

Today is the five month anniversary of her death.  I had a really great yesterday, Saturday the 11th of February, with "family" and celebrated an amazingly long milestone of change in my life.  Twelve entire years without a drink or a drug, including weekends:)  I thougth of her ALL WEEKEND LONG.  Just about literally every second of the day holding her in my heart as I enjoyed the benefits this miraculous "new" way of life has given me.  She was so close it felt like she was still actually here.  What a gift. She would have been so proud of her big sister.  I have come a long way from the extremely crappy, toxically self centered, emotionally unavailable sister I was for a good 8 important years of her life.  Eight years I wish I could have back right about now.

 I woke up today, Sunday the 12th of February, feeling groggy and tired, I really didn't want to get out of my bed.  My day felt different than yesterday.  All day I couldn't really put my finger on it.  Why do I feel so, so off? I wondered. I had a great day yesterday.....strange.  My heart was heavy and my mind was going 100 miles an hour.  I thought of a few ways to escape the weight, but none were acceptable so I just obsessed.  That was really productive, not really.  I worked a late shift because of Valentines Day at the spa.  I had 4 massages scheduled and every single one felt like it took an eternity. Four long hours of solitude.  Low lights, sad music, and silence. I finally got off work around 9pm and headed home.  I got on my computer and noticed the date, FEB 12.  The 12th of September is the day she took her last sweet breath, 4pm on a Monday.   I cant begin to tell you how grateful I am that that last breath of hers was taken in my house.  I was here with her, holding her hand and smothering it with kisses just minutes before that last sweet breath.  If I had been unable to stop drinking, that never would have been the case.

 The last 3 years of her life were very, very difficult.  For reasons other than cancer.  I was able to show up for her in a way that is beyond my capabilities apart from God working in my life.  We talked on the phone at least several times a week if not everyday for those three years.  I was far from perfect, I'm sure I pissed her off a million times, but that's just what sisters do, especially big sisters who want to mother you.  But I know, she knew, I loved her SO much, and that my intentions were good.  That was the most important thing to me all through her sickness and especially at the end. I wanted to make sure she knew just how much I loved and adored her.  I know she knew it.  I think she always knew.  She had this way of seeing through peoples crappy selves to that better self deep inside.  That place in your heart where you're the person you really want to be.  She really knew what love was.  She lived it out loud. She extended grace to so many undeserving people in her life over the years.  A few of which I have wanted to beat the crap out of on her behalf.  She was an amazingly, beautiful, wonderful girl.  I cannot wait to see her again some day in that perfect place where we will all be able to love like she did.